No Escape

What happens when we escape? Where do our emotions go, how does our life unfold, when we don't face the grit and grime that often is so thick in our present moment? Where do you escape? Do you lose yourself in a good book, do you watch TV, do you drink away your worries, do you spend excessive time on-line. There are many ways to escape, not all of them bad. But just like procrastination, escaping only temporarily solves our problem, and does not help us to evolve. One way of dealing with difficulty in our lives, can be simply to take a conscious breath. This creates space around our field of awareness. I breathe in, and observe. Have you ever been so angry that the words coming out of your mouth feel as though some demon has possessed you and mid stream you stop and realize how out of control you sound? Breathing in creates inner space. It creates awareness that there is something else besides our voices and thoughts that exist within our bodies. Breathing out gives time, precious space to the current moment, whether it be joyful or pain filled. We are not our thoughts. We are not our emotions. What are we? We are divine light, consciousness, an ever present inner energy that is formless, but full of knowing. Not knowing in the egoic way (the voice in our head that identifies us with our emotions and thoughts) But God knowing. This "God knowing" is quiet, is forgiving, and ever-present if we are able to calm the storm of thoughts in our heads. One way to look at it is this. If we can be the valley, where we look up and can observe the landscape around us, rather than being in the forest, or exalting ourselves on the highest mountain, we can attain peace. Observing and breathing brings us closer to our core, our essential nature. Dis-identifying with our emotions and thoughts help us to be in the valley, and lift others up. It doesn't mean we don't laugh or feel joy. On the contrary, we can feel this joy more fully as it surfaces and we don't get lost in the future or past events, or cling to the joyfulness, never wanting it to leave us. I encourage a breathing practice. It is simple and always available. I can't remember the last time I didn't have breath in my body, and if I did, I surely worked hard to get it back into my body! Our breath is the link to our soul. Breathe in create space, space around your situation, breathe out raw emotion(let it go). Breathe in, simply observe, breathe out, smile.

Shades of Gold

Sitting, looking out. Across the field of gold. Peering and gazing into the depth of colors. My heart begins to ache, it shrinks and expands at the same time. Feeling small, scattered, and somewhat unsure, I have no other way to turn but inward. Where are you God? I am calling your name. I am asking for help. I won't be satisfied to look away, to avoid my darkness that I feel. Instead, I look at the beauty before me, the gold leaves, the blazing red and orange. A friend who has a big smile for me every time I see her. 3 boys with different shades of blazing red gold hair, who never fail to inspire me. A husband who is kind and hardworking. I won't lie. I feel lost right now. I feel struggle, conflict, and sadness. I feel restricted, and bound. I have to challenge myself, to look up, be light, and open my heart to the present moment unfolding before me. I will leave you with a poem, which I really like.

Pain is the great teacher. I woke before dawn with this thought. Joy, happiness, are what we take and do not question. They are beyond question, maybe. A matter of being. But pain forces us to think, and to make connections, to sort out what is what, to discover what has been happening to cause it. And, curiously enough, pain draws us to other human beings in a significant way, whereas joy or happiness to some extent, isolates.
-May Sarton

Holy Moly!

It's been a month since I've written. Wow. There are moments when I feel I have lost myself, in this thing called a 40 hour work week. Moments, pass by, I walk the halls in the facility I work observing those around me. Have I lost myself? No way Jose. I am simply walking my path. These moments, when I feel lost, when I am missing my children, when I am missing being home, I see the good I am doing for these souls living in this facility they call home. I have dreams! I have high hopes! I can see the future sometimes, in perfect harmony with the pulse of life beating before me. This life, this long and precious life, keeps revealing the road that continues to wind and unfold before me. I peer out, sometimes jumping, sometimes slow, and then choose my path. Sunlight fades into the cloud cover of humid night, dipping its head down. Fading into the evening, slow and deliberate, the fireflies dance in the dusk. Reaching out, stretching my fingers, stretching my mind, I feel in my heart the rhythm, the dance and celebration of living, the good and the bad, the wild and the sane. Give it to me, I'll take it all.

yoga is accessible

Why do I love yoga? Let me count the ways! It keeps me in check, with the universe and all the creatures in it. Yoga holds my heart close to my soul, the God voice within. Yoga keeps my body active, supple, flexible, and strong. I can bend my arms backwards while working, cross them in front of me while riding in an elevator (eagle arms), I can do triangle while someone is using the bathroom, and I can quietly notice that each moment, is filled with wonder and exploration. If I choose to be present, and harness my mind back into what is unfolding before me, I can live life more fully. Although my life is filled to the brim with working, private lessons, motherhood, sports, cleaning, the wonder of boys, meditation, reading, dogs, parents, friends....I can enjoy each moment better, more fully, with the recognition and acceptance of sadness, joy, boredom, monotony, challenge, and triumph.

"This is true yoga: the unbinding
of the bonds of sorrow.
Practice this true yoga with a determination
and with a courageous heart."
-Bhagavad Gita

waking up with the dawn

What is it, that soothes your soul, and refreshes your spirit/body? Can you, through the process of self awareness, observing, and then action create a new "you"? Sometimes we drive ourselves into stress and impatient states all by ourselves. I am realizing more and more that WE choose how to feel, we choose how to behave in this world full of love, light, darkness, and fear. That is really all there is. Darkness and light. Love and fear. How we choose to perceive our life and those around us is a constantly evolving state, if we truly want to be on the path of love and light. I have noticed that one of my habitual responses to stress is to clench my jaw. I have taken to the mantra "relax your jaw". I repeat this in my mind, on a daily basis. The result? A more relaxed jaw! Hallelujah! Notice that I did not say "Stop clenching your jaw you idiot!". I use positive language to make a positive change. I also have changed my morning routine. I have felt in the past that I should practice yogasana in the morning before work. I usually end up feeling short on time, as my work day begins at 7 am. So I started reading something spiritual/inspiring in nature, then mediating for 5-15 minutes after. It has changed my past week tremendously! I also realized the best time for me to practice asana is in the afternoon, and this works much better for my schedule and my kids schedule too. It is amazing what we humans are capable of! A leaf tremors in the breeze, a bird swoops by with a worm in his mouth ( I imagined that part!) God speaks to us in the shores of the great silence, within.

Breathing on a bolster

Today was a "blah" day. I had the blahs all day long. Although I reflected on many of my gifts and blessings, I still felt like I was stuck. I felt heavy, on the inside. I felt dull, and inert. This state in yoga is called tamasic. I trudged through my day, and made it home in one piece ( I had a weird conversation with the bank teller in the drive thru in which she asked me if i trusted her...that's kinda odd, I thought, of course I trust you, with my measly 187.34 cent deposit) anyway, I made it home in one piece. The kids and I hung out on the deck and just talked and looked out over the green grass and full trees. I had planned to practice yoga in preparation for tomorrow's yoga class. spreading out my blanket, I attempted triangle and felt heavier still! I laid on the ground and gazed up at the sky, the planes, the wisps of clouds and the birds swooping around. I breathed into my heart, into the God that lives inside my heart, that felt so far away. Maybe it was me that was far away from God. I practiced long, restorative stretching and felt release in my skin, my hips, my head. Space was occurring now, and I began to catch a glimpse of the feeling tone of my mind. In my final pose, I closed my eyes and breathed into my body, retaining the breath at the top of the inhale, and at the bottom of the exhale. Neck...let go, allow your back body to rest, to feel the full support of the earth and pillows beneath you. Feel the love that is surrounding you...whispered a small voice in my head. I began to see the dullness color being penetrated by a yellow/golden light. Not bright gold, but more like a harvest gold, that was behind the murky grey/brown color of "tamas" that was inside my being. Breathing in deeply, this yellow expanded, and the grey/brown color melted and reappeared, moved around and changed. Slowly, the color changed, inside with the movement of my breath. It wasn't the bright golden color of heaven, but earthy, like a wintered over leaf, that was beginning to show signs of new growth.

Balancing act

This weekend I verbalized to Matt how frustrated I feel when I don't have time to practice yoga or meditate. Matt's reply was, "well, instead of doing one thing, you have to do yoga instead. Working full time takes up so much of my time, and then all 3 kids of course take up much of the time too. On Saturday, I only practiced for 30-40 minutes, but I worked on headstand, and upper body strength/core. Sunday, as I was balancing so many streams of thought, I finally just rolled out my mat and spent almost 2 glorious hours doing asana. Kids were involved, conversations happened, pictures were taken. I worked intensely for about 30 minutes on "crane" a challenging arm balance which I am trying to figure out. The arm balance is possible only when you reach a perfect balance point, and your feet miraculously lift off the floor. Meanwhile, your core and upper arms are supporting you fully, and a magical feeling comes as you realize it is mostly about focus, concentration, feeling the space of the balancing point. I was amazed to realize that it was such a small space to work in, and challenging too! After, I then practiced a "Yin Yoga" sequence that focused on slow, long holds. It was just what I needed. The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, and all was well with the world. I don't know why I was so stressed out. I have to remind myself to breathe, and be present. I have to remind myself to smile, when I become irritated. I have to be real with what is possible in one day!