Shades of Gold

Sitting, looking out. Across the field of gold. Peering and gazing into the depth of colors. My heart begins to ache, it shrinks and expands at the same time. Feeling small, scattered, and somewhat unsure, I have no other way to turn but inward. Where are you God? I am calling your name. I am asking for help. I won't be satisfied to look away, to avoid my darkness that I feel. Instead, I look at the beauty before me, the gold leaves, the blazing red and orange. A friend who has a big smile for me every time I see her. 3 boys with different shades of blazing red gold hair, who never fail to inspire me. A husband who is kind and hardworking. I won't lie. I feel lost right now. I feel struggle, conflict, and sadness. I feel restricted, and bound. I have to challenge myself, to look up, be light, and open my heart to the present moment unfolding before me. I will leave you with a poem, which I really like.

Pain is the great teacher. I woke before dawn with this thought. Joy, happiness, are what we take and do not question. They are beyond question, maybe. A matter of being. But pain forces us to think, and to make connections, to sort out what is what, to discover what has been happening to cause it. And, curiously enough, pain draws us to other human beings in a significant way, whereas joy or happiness to some extent, isolates.
-May Sarton

Holy Moly!

It's been a month since I've written. Wow. There are moments when I feel I have lost myself, in this thing called a 40 hour work week. Moments, pass by, I walk the halls in the facility I work observing those around me. Have I lost myself? No way Jose. I am simply walking my path. These moments, when I feel lost, when I am missing my children, when I am missing being home, I see the good I am doing for these souls living in this facility they call home. I have dreams! I have high hopes! I can see the future sometimes, in perfect harmony with the pulse of life beating before me. This life, this long and precious life, keeps revealing the road that continues to wind and unfold before me. I peer out, sometimes jumping, sometimes slow, and then choose my path. Sunlight fades into the cloud cover of humid night, dipping its head down. Fading into the evening, slow and deliberate, the fireflies dance in the dusk. Reaching out, stretching my fingers, stretching my mind, I feel in my heart the rhythm, the dance and celebration of living, the good and the bad, the wild and the sane. Give it to me, I'll take it all.

yoga is accessible

Why do I love yoga? Let me count the ways! It keeps me in check, with the universe and all the creatures in it. Yoga holds my heart close to my soul, the God voice within. Yoga keeps my body active, supple, flexible, and strong. I can bend my arms backwards while working, cross them in front of me while riding in an elevator (eagle arms), I can do triangle while someone is using the bathroom, and I can quietly notice that each moment, is filled with wonder and exploration. If I choose to be present, and harness my mind back into what is unfolding before me, I can live life more fully. Although my life is filled to the brim with working, private lessons, motherhood, sports, cleaning, the wonder of boys, meditation, reading, dogs, parents, friends....I can enjoy each moment better, more fully, with the recognition and acceptance of sadness, joy, boredom, monotony, challenge, and triumph.

"This is true yoga: the unbinding
of the bonds of sorrow.
Practice this true yoga with a determination
and with a courageous heart."
-Bhagavad Gita

waking up with the dawn

What is it, that soothes your soul, and refreshes your spirit/body? Can you, through the process of self awareness, observing, and then action create a new "you"? Sometimes we drive ourselves into stress and impatient states all by ourselves. I am realizing more and more that WE choose how to feel, we choose how to behave in this world full of love, light, darkness, and fear. That is really all there is. Darkness and light. Love and fear. How we choose to perceive our life and those around us is a constantly evolving state, if we truly want to be on the path of love and light. I have noticed that one of my habitual responses to stress is to clench my jaw. I have taken to the mantra "relax your jaw". I repeat this in my mind, on a daily basis. The result? A more relaxed jaw! Hallelujah! Notice that I did not say "Stop clenching your jaw you idiot!". I use positive language to make a positive change. I also have changed my morning routine. I have felt in the past that I should practice yogasana in the morning before work. I usually end up feeling short on time, as my work day begins at 7 am. So I started reading something spiritual/inspiring in nature, then mediating for 5-15 minutes after. It has changed my past week tremendously! I also realized the best time for me to practice asana is in the afternoon, and this works much better for my schedule and my kids schedule too. It is amazing what we humans are capable of! A leaf tremors in the breeze, a bird swoops by with a worm in his mouth ( I imagined that part!) God speaks to us in the shores of the great silence, within.

Breathing on a bolster

Today was a "blah" day. I had the blahs all day long. Although I reflected on many of my gifts and blessings, I still felt like I was stuck. I felt heavy, on the inside. I felt dull, and inert. This state in yoga is called tamasic. I trudged through my day, and made it home in one piece ( I had a weird conversation with the bank teller in the drive thru in which she asked me if i trusted her...that's kinda odd, I thought, of course I trust you, with my measly 187.34 cent deposit) anyway, I made it home in one piece. The kids and I hung out on the deck and just talked and looked out over the green grass and full trees. I had planned to practice yoga in preparation for tomorrow's yoga class. spreading out my blanket, I attempted triangle and felt heavier still! I laid on the ground and gazed up at the sky, the planes, the wisps of clouds and the birds swooping around. I breathed into my heart, into the God that lives inside my heart, that felt so far away. Maybe it was me that was far away from God. I practiced long, restorative stretching and felt release in my skin, my hips, my head. Space was occurring now, and I began to catch a glimpse of the feeling tone of my mind. In my final pose, I closed my eyes and breathed into my body, retaining the breath at the top of the inhale, and at the bottom of the exhale. Neck...let go, allow your back body to rest, to feel the full support of the earth and pillows beneath you. Feel the love that is surrounding you...whispered a small voice in my head. I began to see the dullness color being penetrated by a yellow/golden light. Not bright gold, but more like a harvest gold, that was behind the murky grey/brown color of "tamas" that was inside my being. Breathing in deeply, this yellow expanded, and the grey/brown color melted and reappeared, moved around and changed. Slowly, the color changed, inside with the movement of my breath. It wasn't the bright golden color of heaven, but earthy, like a wintered over leaf, that was beginning to show signs of new growth.

Balancing act

This weekend I verbalized to Matt how frustrated I feel when I don't have time to practice yoga or meditate. Matt's reply was, "well, instead of doing one thing, you have to do yoga instead. Working full time takes up so much of my time, and then all 3 kids of course take up much of the time too. On Saturday, I only practiced for 30-40 minutes, but I worked on headstand, and upper body strength/core. Sunday, as I was balancing so many streams of thought, I finally just rolled out my mat and spent almost 2 glorious hours doing asana. Kids were involved, conversations happened, pictures were taken. I worked intensely for about 30 minutes on "crane" a challenging arm balance which I am trying to figure out. The arm balance is possible only when you reach a perfect balance point, and your feet miraculously lift off the floor. Meanwhile, your core and upper arms are supporting you fully, and a magical feeling comes as you realize it is mostly about focus, concentration, feeling the space of the balancing point. I was amazed to realize that it was such a small space to work in, and challenging too! After, I then practiced a "Yin Yoga" sequence that focused on slow, long holds. It was just what I needed. The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, and all was well with the world. I don't know why I was so stressed out. I have to remind myself to breathe, and be present. I have to remind myself to smile, when I become irritated. I have to be real with what is possible in one day!

Becoming more beautiful

How does one look from the inside? How do we perceive our world, and continue to see the blossoms, rather than the weeds? One thing that has really helped me is this one truth: Everything is temporary. Each day, we proceed, moving forward in time, and each day is remarkably new. Sometimes it feels old, really old. Sometimes I want to fly away from my life and my responsibilities like the birds I see flying over the lake. Sometimes I feel like I might break from the pressures of life. Sometimes I feel like I am inadequate, and not living up to my potential. Sometimes, my belly feels so full of laughter and fullness rises in me as I reflect on all the friends and connections I have in my life. Today, as I leaned back in my vintage car, I rolled the window down, hair blown', glasses on, Song blaring, I felt one with life, God, and the universe. It is Friday, Thank God. Party in my heart, kids by my side, birds singing in the trees, and dogwoods peeking out from the edges of forests. Dogwoods are so beautiful! Now, getting back to the Title of this blog, how do we become more beautiful? We choose to grow and learn, with each and every hardship and struggle that comes our way. Instead of saying, "I can't handle this", I may say, "What can I change to make life more doable for me?" The purpose for me, for you, is divine. See this divinity, in your child's eyes, in the sun that rises and sets, in the herons focused gaze. See this divinity when you struggle, when you become angry, when you feel irritated and mean. What is your body telling you? Feel your emotion, feel where your body holds your pain. Then, come on down my friends, to my yoga class. Here, we will explore, and hammer away, at the external that feeds into the internal, and eternal. The seeking and exploration begins, and never ends, as we become and feel this tremendous light, this fire, that God has set in our hearts.

breathing in this life

Where are our minds, 99 percent of the time? Stuck somewhere in the past or future, most likely. I was in the shower this morning, thinking about all I wanted and needed to accomplish. My shoulders and neck felt tight, I was slumping, and caught up in everything but the feeling of the warm water on my body. Suddenly, I became aware and man my shower felt good! I reminded myself to stay in the moment, right here, right now. I was presently in the shower, nowhere else. I became aware of how easy it is to get lost in the push and shove of minds. Our bodies love the attention it gets. I worked on my mountain pose, in front of the mirror, and became tall again. I worked on deepening my spine into my body during uttanasana, and padangustasana. Breathing deeply into my body, I was at peace with all I was doing, at the pace that was naturally unfolding. Breathing is automatic. Breathing mindfully takes presence and discipline. Breathing in, I know this is a wonderful moment. Exhaling, I smile.

Handstand in the grandstands

OK, well not like the major leagues. Eli, Sammy, and I, were "tumbling" around in the field at Jonah's practice. So, I started doing handstands. I was able to do a 3-4 second handstand with no support! Pretty great for me! Eli kept practicing, and soon we were up to about 10-12 handstands each! What a great way to sneak in some yoga! Handstand: Refreshing!!!!!!!Keeps you warm. Makes you smile, keeps you playful, makes you strong, keeps your sense of adventure going, helps you learn how to fall, and get up from the ground, dusting leaves off your booty.

getting stronger

Pulling myself deeper, into a stretch, into a hold, I feel my body quake. Working with vigor, I am re-shaping my body. On Saturday I spent an hour working on backbends, with a stop for shoulder stand, and headstand. I ended my practice with a long savasana, and Sammy lying on my belly, snuggled into my body. All day on Saturday, into Sunday, and even this morning, I feel the effects of a vigorous practice. I stand straighter, feel a passion for continued growth in asana, and am ready to face my week.

Headstand

A goal of mine is to perform a headstand, and be able to hold it, with proper alignment for around 12 breaths. I realize that, with any goal, I must practice, commit time to perfect this difficult pose. So, this week, I have practiced 3 times! Each time I have increased my time spent in the pose. Yesterday, I was in it a full 6 breaths until I needed to come down. Shoulderstand must also be addressed, as with classical yoga I am supposed to perform shoulderstand before learning headstand. So that practice is coming too. I am again facing a choice. A choice to practice, or sleep in. Life is very much a choice, don't you think? A choice to focus on negative things, or focus on the positive. We can choose because we have "intelligence". The awareness that there is a choice is liberating. It can also free us and help us to ask ourselves why we are "choosing" to behave in a certain matter, or feel a certain way. We absolutely have a choice. I prayed today that God would give me the strength and resolve to take one day at a time, to help me with balancing all my responsibilities, and to give me a push out of bed to practice yoga at 5:30. Wouldn't it be great if God's hand could literally pull me out of bed? Maybe that would do it! Just the thought of it kinda wakes me up right now!

5 days and counting

I have practiced now 5 days in a row! My Teacher says that the more asana you do, the more the body craves it. I believe this to be true! I feel stronger, taller, more in touch with feeling. I am practicing new things, new concepts, exploring and discovering places in my body that need increased attention. I did a 6 breath headstand without support! I folded completely into a pretzel and felt my low back round to the fullest. I crackled. I passed gas. (Not entirely unusual). I reflected on my life. I connected to my spirit, my breath. Now I am asking how I can reach out and spread this energy to all my students, and friends. How can I communicate, and teach this beautiful and transformative practice? How do I balance all the aspects of my life, and keep God and family at the center? Yoga is God's voice, leading me on my path. Emerson said to "blaze a trail..." . Alright, give me a pruners, a loppers, and some rare and unique seeds. I will plant and prune, water the seeds with awareness, nurture my growth with humility, and share my love of yoga with those who come my way.

Teacher training

I am immersed in the practice of yoga, this weekend. 11 hours today, and 8 hours tomorrow, and 6 hours yesterday. Every muscle in my body is sore. As I rolled out of savasana, I felt my hips rebel and groan, from working them vigorously all day. I am surrounded by students of yoga, all at different levels, mentally and physically. I am intrigued by the depth that is involved in this next level of training. It is now about deepening the practice, moving deeper and more intimatley into postures. It is about learning to demonstrate better, instruct better, and challenge myself, and my students to go deeper into the body, and mind. At first I felt overwhelmed. I felt as though I could not achieve this next level. I realized, that this would require a lot of work. A lot of effort. It is in a way, like being in school again. But it also involves mindful appreciation, and acceptance of where we are in life. I struggle with the fact that I am leaving my family for the weekend. I am grateful for my husband, who is such a support and keeper of the kids. I also realize that I, must dedicate myself more to practicing asana, meditation, and pranayama. Where will I find the time, you might ask. well, dammit, I plan on making the time. It is too important. I realize that much of life is a choice. We choose how to proceed in our lives. We choose to either sleep in, or get up early to greet the morning with vigor for practice. This is called intelligence. The power to choose. How beautiful! So, I will make this new intention, refreshed with the feeling of following my purpose, and staying on that path. Sometimes we all stray, and our journeys are always changing, evolving. Sometimes shrinking, sometimes expanding, sometimes inspired, sometimes stale as shit. That is life my friend. That is life.

A little bit, goes a long way

How much yoga helps us improve? A 2 hour session twice a week? A class here and there, and a few stretches in between? I say all of it! I know that when I start my morning, cup of joe in hand, dogs present, mat waiting, body stretching, mind opening, heart expanding, buttocks blossoming...I feel a heck of a lot better than if I don't practice. I do not get caught up in the fact that I cannot commit 2 hous a day to my practice. I am thankful and feel grand if I commit 15 minutes a day. The practice is, just that. A practice. The more we practice, the more we improve. 15 minutes at a time. Here is a 15 minute practice to try. Be happy with what you can do, and expand on that. Inhaling, I breathe into the present moment, exhale, I smile.

seated meditation-2 minutes with breath awareness
downward facing dog-2-3 minutes (with alternating knee bends)
down dog to lunge each side
lunge to crescent moon
standing forward bend with elbows crossed
standing forward bend splits
mountain- take a large sip of coffee here, and gaze out at the rising sun, reflect on your blessings
tree
triangle
warrior 2
warrior 1
seated twist
bound angle with foot massage (aaaah)
seated meditation
Namaste

A morning to practice

It's 6 am. A Cup of coffee, a warm fire, 2 pesky dogs, my yoga mat, and me sitting in the middle of all that. As I begin my routine of down dog to lunge, the dogs begin their stretches underneath, licking my nose. As I fold into pigeon, I fold into my mind, all the voices and highways of emotion and thought. Shhhh, I whisper, it's to early for all this chatter. Felling my body expand from my heart, I open into warrior 2, and adjust until I feel fully the quads working hard, in concert with the inner groins lengthening. As I gaze over my fingertips, the light from the fire lights up my skin, illuminating my hand, so that it looks as though my hand is made of light. I look at the other hand, darkness. Shucks. I think I'll look the other way, and smile at the beauty that is my hand, made of light and fire.

Today, I will lift my heart

Walking along the icy, crunchy slush, I watch the dogs as they dance around me, waiting for their leash to be put on. I love the mornings, especially Sunday mornings, where the whole world seems to be nestled snug at home. I love the quiet. I reflect on my life, how, many years ago I was faced with the choice of either growing bitter with despair or rising above the harshness that I faced. I recall those days that I often went outside, even in the bitter cold to find my spirits voice. This connection to nature reminds us that the whole earth is always undergoing change, harsh and beautiful at the same time. Just as we face challenges that sometimes want us to bury our head in the sand, we always have a choice to turn our face to the sun as well. This doesn't mean that we shove our feelings of despair away, and force a smile. Rather, we make a choice to feel fully, and allow these feelings to manifest. Once we do this, we begin to see that our feelings, our challenges, are temporary, just as the falling snow and melting ice are temporary too. This also disintegrates the power our emotions can sometimes have over us. Just as a wind storm blows through and wreaks havoc, our emotions need not wreak havoc to our inner life. As we continue to blaze our trails in life, may we be reminded of how nature is constantly going through change, how we are always changing, and there is real beauty, and truth in that. I invite you next time you have a lot on your mind, or feel "full" of beans (putt putt) go look at a leaf trembling on a tree. Look at a bud on the edge of a branch, tightly wrapped up, just waiting to blossom in full glory! Look at a bird, singing brightly, loudly, announcing it's place in the universe.

a new year

A new Year begins. I am struck by the energy feeling the new year brings. It is interesting to reflect on the past year, the joys and hardships experienced. It also leads us to resolve to do things a bit differently. I try to set "New Years Intentions". As I begin a new year, I am striving to be more kind, to others, and myself. I am intending to save my money, in hopes of finishing off my yoga space. I am intending to do more hand stands, shoulder stands and head stands. I am intending to meditate in the morning as much as I can. I am intending to help out at a homeless shelter. Mindful of this in meditation, it slowly becomes more habitual, to engrain these intentions into our consciousness. As we get our minds and hearts set for the day, may we take even the smallest moment of time, to remind ourselves of the bigger picture, the matters that mean the most to our spiritual growth. We can often get hung up on our to-do list, but we need to ask ourselves when this list stresses us out, who made this list anyway? Is our to-do list getting in the way of our new years intentions?